Beetle Days: An Interview with a Beetle. Please Help before Feb 15th
The following is transcribed from an audio recording of Gabriel Böhmer (a human) interviewing Tim (a dung beetle), conducted for The Open End. Supposedly this beetle was the first of his order (Coleoptera) to display signs of what has now been classified as Beetle Madness. This has subsequently infected the remainder of the world’s beetle population, and made them very irritating (with the exception of ladybugs, which are extremely depressed to be beetles right now. They are eating a lot of wine grapes).
GABRIEL BÖHMER (HUMAN): Before we start we’d like to thank Herocious for making this conversation possible on The Open End. Now, I have with me a beetle. A dung beetle to be specific. Please, if you would, what is your name?
TIM (BEETLE): Beetle doesn’t want to say.
GB: Why not?
TIM: Beetle thinks names are just for legal documents.
GB: I see. You said, “beetle thinks.” Why is it that you’re speaking in the… what should we call it? The third-beetle?
TIM: Beetle is a very important beetle. All the other beetles made beetle the beetle king.
GB: We’ve spoken to some of the other beetles. And not one of them has said you are beetle king.
TIM: Outrageous. You idiot! You’ve been talking to imposters, not real beetles!
GB: They were beetles, I assure you. And every single one of them said that they were in fact the beetle king. How is it possible that every beetle is king?
TIM: Only beetle is king.
GB: OK. Why don’t we come back to this? As the so-called king, what exactly is your stance on current affairs?
TIM: Beetle is noble. Beetle has no sense of ownership. Which is why everything belongs to beetle. As others have a sense of ownership, nothing can belong to anything other than beetle.
GB: The thing is, when you say “a beetle,” you’re actually implicating yourself, aren’t you? Not your genus. Do you not see the contradiction in all this?
TIM: Beetle hears what you’re saying, and agrees that you have no right to own things.
GB: No, that’s not what I was saying.
TIM: Yes, beetle is a great beetle king.
GB: …OK, we’ll let that one go for now.
TIM: Thank you for admitting you’re wrong.
GB: I haven’t. On to the next question-
[A clicking, and then a dragging noise are heard in the recording]
GB: Did you just take my watch?!
TIM: No. Beetle doesn’t need your crappy things. Bet you now feel bad for mentioning it.
GB: You’re clearly draped in my watch.
TIM: Oh this? This is beetle’s wings. Has had them all his life. Pretty, no?
GB: Give me my watch back!
TIM: Beetle could get it back for you from whoever took it. It will be a great inconvenience, but since you’re begging…
[Unintelligible shouting is heard. Although we cannot be sure, we believe Mr. Böhmer is screaming at one point, “shut up. Shut up already, these are all obvious ridiculous lies. Get away from my sandwich. Your wings are my watch,” whilst Tim is retorting, “give beetle your sandwich. They poisoned it. Bet you didn’t know that. You should let beetle eat it.” This is followed by loud bangs. Recording ends]
We have not been able to establish contact with Mr. Böhmer since receiving this interview. A small beetle couldn’t have harmed him, but we’re concerned that he finally got so annoyed he snapped. We are worried about how contagious beetle madness is, and hope this exemplifies the severity of the situation.
If you’d like to learn more about what you can do to help, please visit Beetle Days’ Kickstarter. If you could offer assistance before February 15th, and spread awareness, that would be much appreciated. The beetles are coming.
Writer Gabriel Böhmer was born in Zurich, and has lived in London, Buenos Aires, and Boston. He enjoys long distance running, building fires (to cook things), and banging on random objects to see what sound they’ll make. His novel Beetle Days is a satire about the greed and herd mentality one so often sees today. Told as a fable of talking sheep, people, and dissatisfied beetles. A bit experimental. Sometimes silly. Sometimes sad. About here. And there. Him. And you. Official Site. Twitter. Kickstarter. Campaign ends Feb 15th.
To learn a little more about Beetle Days, please watch the following video: