I was introduced to the Planet X conspiracy theory in a 2003 meeting of the San Diego Mutual UFO Network, discretely tucked away in the back of a local Sizzler steakhouse. It was in this pastel banquet room that I learned of the cataclysm prophesied to be upon us all by May 15th of that year. The prophet? One Nancy Lieder, endowed with the ability to channel communiqués from the inhabitants of a rogue planet bounding toward Earth.
According to Nancy Lieder and other devotees, Planet X (also known as Nibiru) hails from the Zeta Reticuli star system and passes in close proximity to Earth every 3000 or so years, wreaking havoc on our fair planet by reversing its rotation. You have never seen or heard of Planet X because shadowy, oppressive agencies like NASA go to great lengths to keep you ignorant of your demise.
Nancy became a “communicator of the Zeta message” in the early 1990s, but you should know that she doesn’t hear voices or anything crazy like that:
Her definitive clue that she was indeed being contacted by aliens and should uproot her comfortable California life in favor of the less volatile climes of Wisconsin came in the form of a missing candy wrapper.
A week later I’m in a movie house, alone, trying to relax, and get the sense that a Zeta came in and sat beside me, and I’d find a candy wrapper in my pocket or some such. I was eating Star Bursts, glued shut cardboard box, welded plastic wrapper around individually wrapped pieces. You have to break your fingernails to get the candy, practically. So I’m eating along and get to the last piece. It’s not individually wrapped in wax paper. Now, EVERY Star Burst is so wrapped, by machine, I have no doubt. So, I figured that was my sign, when I wasn’t expecting it.
Our message, as you might have gauged, is not popular. We are effective in debate, which offends the stuffy elite of the scientific establishment who think of themselves as holding the key to knowledge. We abhor scams, especially when the scam is not innocent and will harm millions of innocents, including the children. Since our emissary, Nancy, is being protected in ways it would be unwise to divulge, those lying to mankind on the Usenets [ed: think primitive discussion forums] find themselves with an adversary they cannot silence! This enrages them.
As the years passed and Planet X barreled earthward, Nancy’s preparations accelerated. She distributed booklets discussing ways to survive volcanic gloom, firestorms, and tidal waves. She organized a group to stockpile seeds and other supplies. Oh yes, and she killed her puppy while advising the faithful to follow suit. It was, after all, the only way to spare the critters from post-Nibiru starvation or, worse, being hunted by desperate survivors. Lest you think I exaggerate, here is Nancy speaking on the subject:
That may have come across as overly harsh, so Nancy sought to clarify her remarks a few days later.
But I’m missing the big picture here; it’s time to get serious. It’s early May and the behemoth is already in site. Pictures are pouring in from frantic stargazers with sophisticated equipment.
How will it end? In the next installment, I’ll fill you in on the Planet X aftermath (hint: we’re still alive).