How Low Can You Go?

writer x

Sorry to all you guys out there who regularly read my blog, but there’s something very important that I have to talk about today: Low-rider jeans. Yes, sadly, you heard me. Low-rider jeans. (Not to be confused with low-rider motorcycles or low-rider muscle cars, which I don’t know much about other than that they seem to make a lot of unnecessary noise and appeal to newly divorced middle-aged men.)

Some people who grew up in the 1960’s and 70’s might also call low-rider jeans “hip-huggers,” but not very often because the term only makes them feel really old and brings back disturbing images of The Brady Bunch.

So who is the sadistic clothing designer out there who invented low-rider jeans? I’m guessing that person grew up misunderstood and bullied at school. If you ask me, I think it’s the same psychopath who invented pantyhose, underwire bras, and stiletto heels. Said psychopath cannot possibly be female. Or from Earth. Whoever it is certainly hasn’t spent enough time actually wearing the dang things.

And I keep waiting for low-rider jeans to go out of style but they don’t. Low-rider jeans are the clothing equivalent of the Energizer Bunny. They’ve bled into shorts, bathing suits, and workout pants. They’re everywhere, and not in a good way. Every time I go clothes shopping, I see new versions of the things—new colors, new fabrics, flair leg, skinny leg. And the jeans only keep riding lower and lower on the hips. Pretty soon we’ll be wearing them around our knees. This particular clothing phenomenon might be great for guys, but for girls, not so much.

That’s because low-riders are difficult for any girl who has anything resembling a waist. You know, that part above your hips that kinda curves inward? It’s tough to wear low-riders when you have one because you have a tendency to keep pulling them up to your waist so that your pants won’t fall down. They just don’t sit on girls’ hips like they do on guys. And herein lies my problem: low-rider jeans feel like they’re falling down my legs all the time, even if I wear a belt. It’s annoying. And terribly uncomfortable. Whenever I bend over, I’m always fearful that I’m giving somebody behind me a little show that they may or may not care to see.

But it’s not like we women have tons of choices in jeans right now. You can either wear low-riders or Mom jeans, and I refuse to buy the Mom jeans with the elastic waistbands. I am so not ready for that yet.  Or ever.

::Writer X also writes at The 100 Most Annoying Things::

April 20, 2009 8:55 am

::the open end:: Copyright © 2016 All Rights Reserved.