I’m Ready for My Close-up, Mr. DeMille

writer x

Would you trust your car mechanic to cut your hair? Would you ask your grocer for legal advice? Would you pay your travel agent to perform your next root canal? Then, why, I ask you, why on earth would anyone in their right mind seriously mull over anything a celebrity would say that didn’t have to do with pixie dust and make-believe?

It really gets annoying to be lectured by rock stars and celebrities about social issues 24/7, and warning Will Robinson: Chances are pretty great that when you see one hawking his or her pet cause, they’re probably trying to revitalize their stalled careers (and bank accounts) as well.

I’ve come to the realization that most celebrities are annoying when they’re not behaving like celebrities. I like it when they act all flashy and glittery and, jeez, how cool would it be to trade places with them for a single day? Personally, I prefer that celebs do what they do best—you know, star in mostly uninspiring shows and movies, give concerts, walk the red carpets in designer clothes and uncomfortable shoes, accept shiny awards, and press their hands in wet cement. But when they dip a peep-toe in uncelebrity-like waters, that’s when I know their careers are dangerously close to becoming B-list, if they haven’t already free-falled into partial oblivion and the world of Saturday night SyFy channel movies.

Most celebrities who feel compelled to share their social views with the world can answer yes unequivocally to one or more of the following questions:

1) They’ve recently starred in a movie with one of the following words in the title: Bug, Friday, Jason, or Sequel.

2) They’ve recently published an autobiography (that didn’t sell well) or a self-help book (which sold even worse).

3) They’ve volunteered to become a UN Ambassador to a third-world country.

4) Somehow their life partner of two weeks inadvertently recorded their love-making on video and now the tape has mysteriously wound up in the hands of TMZ or Entertainment Tonight. Or both.

5) Their sit-com has been cancelled. Again.

6) They think it’s okay to limit your free speech, but not theirs.

7) They’re regulars on day-time talk shows.

Let’s take the words of celebrities with a grain of salt—or a grain of something. Or turn the channel, play with your kid (remember, we’ve been lectured that they’re not getting enough exercise), or, better yet, read a book.

::Writer X also writes at The 100 Most Annoying Things::

January 9, 2010 11:26 am

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