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James Kromer Almost Crashes into FBI Building


::Somewhat factual account based on an actual newspaper clipping::

crazy manImagine this: sitting inside the University of Minnesota Public Health building on a Thursday at 6 pm. Just another weekday at the office. Suddenly, a pickup truck crashes through the window.

Glass shatters.

Structural damage seems to have occurred.

Someone screams.

The driver leaps out of the pickup and shows his face. He’s armed with a shotgun. You don’t know what to make of it. You sit tightly in your chair, knowing the police headquarters is very near, it being downtown. It’s only a matter of minutes before the fuzz sirens into the scene.

In the meantime, the armed man begins to look for secret computers. His hairline is receding. His eyebrows are bushy and arched in paranoia. His eyes look stoned. You say you don’t know what he’s talking about. He says

-My name is James Kromer! But you already know that, don’t you?

You tell him you don’t know a James Kromer. And there are no secret computers.

-What’re you talking about, no secret computers?! You have the gall to lie straight to my face. You’re the freakin’ FBI! Of course you have secret computers.

You don’t know why you check your watch right that second, but you do.

Then you stare at James and break the news

-This isn’t the FBI building. This is the Public Health building.

James Kromer crumbles to his knees in disbelief.

-Public Health!? This isn’t 111 Washington Ave.

You shake your head. No, you say, this is 1110 Washington Ave. You have the wrong building.

James looks over his shoulder. The fuzz have arrived. They step over the shattered window and apprehend the armed 36-year-old.

Later, in the cold interrogation room, James confesses that he intended on breaking into the FBI building using his pickup, not the Public Health.

He meant to use his shotgun to destroy the secret computers that are sending signals to his brain and reading his thoughts.

But google maps messed him up.


November 25, 2009 10:20 pm

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