“The amount of dialogue is impressive and even though I don’t always know what they are saying, it does well to add some sort of presence to my living room. Silence scares me because it makes me realize that today was supposed to be the tomorrow I was telling you about and none of my dreams came true.” —Entertainment Weekly

“The show is predictable and runs at a decent length. The man is fat and stupid and his wife is attractive. I like it when things are what they say they are going to be. Predictable is good – I can plan for that. I can understand that. Because how did I know that picking up the cat was going to make me want to squeeze him until his eyes bulged and he passed out? I never would have gone near him, but I’m a stranger to myself these days. My teeth hurt and I don’t recognize my hands. It’s like I went to sleep one night and woke up with new hands and when I touch my wife, she shivers.” —TV Guide

“I like how the laugh track helps ease me into my own laughter as if it somehow senses that I need a hand with expressing myself. I do need that from time to time because it’s good to know that I can feel things. My wife caught me pressing a hot iron against my arm and she didn’t stop me. We just stood there and looked at each other and I think that if the baby hadn’t started crying right then, I could have just kept burning my skin right down to the bone. Also, I like that neighbor character. He’s funny.” —Variety

::Tom also writes at Tom Oatmeal::

Tags: ::HUMOR::, according to jim, fat and stupid, satire, sitcom, tom oatmeal

Poignant satire from Sarah Silverman. LAUGH a little and then TAKE ACTION by donating or volunteering for the World Food Programme!

Tags: ::FOOD & DRINK::, ::HEALTH::, ::HUMOR::, charity, donate, end world hunger, hunger, pope, sarah silverman, satire, vatican, video clip, wfp, world food program, world food programme, world hunger, world hunger ad, world hunger commercial

Every time I hit the streets on my bike, whether it’s commuting to work or riding downtown, I always get the sick feeling that I’ve forgotten to do something:

-Fill tires with air
-Check rider-side air bag
-Update last will and testament.

Regardless of how well I think I’ve prepared for my ride, taking into account every possible safety measure, I’m convinced there are legions of Motorist Muggles hell-bent on killing me and my biking brethren by any means necessary.

When I was learning to drive, my father drilled defensive driving into my head to the point that we rarely left the driveway during raccoon mating season in fear that I would back over a couple of coons in mid-copulation. He ascribed to the paranoid tract of the Defensive Driving School: “Now son, assume every vehicle is out to hit you and you will be prepared for the worst-case-scenario.”

I apply the same principle when bike riding, with a few slight modifications: “…Assume every vehicle is out to hit kill you and your you will should be prepared for the worst-case-scenario two-tons of reinforced fiberglass trying to mow your ass down.” Therapist Bob thinks I’m being too paranoid, but between you and me, I think he secretly wants to see my body splattered across the pavement.

To help remind the Four-Wheeled Muggles that it is not open season on bicyclists, this week is nationally recognized as Bike to Work Week (BWW). However, Carbon Footprints Without Borders, contending every week is BWW, does not recognize any perimeters placed on the reduction of one’s emission of greenhouse gases.

This is my second year participating in BWW, and I’ve learned a few lessons from my rookie years, which I’ve applied to this year. With this in mind, I would like to impart some advice, hoping that you, dear reader and potential BWW convert, will not follow in my carbon footprints and make the same mistakes I did.

Always looking out for you.

Tags: ::CREATIVE WRITING::, ::HUMOR::, Bike to Work Week, bww, carbon footprint, observational humor, satire, therapist bob

April’s window has all but slammed shut and for those of you who didn’t know, this month is National Poetry Month (for lack of a more poetic title), and chances of being whisked away by a draft of poetry at this point are slim to nil.

Thanks to the University of Iowa’s Writers’ Workshops having taken root in Iowa City, poetry seeps from the city’s pores, fills the air and blows in the wind. Poetry is contagious and public officials warn Iowa City residents, who don’t want to catch a metaphor or come down with a case of consonance, to take the necessary precautions and avoid leaving the house naked.

Listen to the doctor.

Tags: ::CREATIVE WRITING::, ::HUMOR::, april national poetry month, iowa city, observational humor, poems, Poetry, poetry in public, satire, unesco city of literature, university of iowa's writers' workshop

Finally, somebody stole my identity.

That somebody, or who I, not by choice mind you, now call the New Me, finally took the bait and stole my identity. Ever since I invested all of my hope in Y2K (that’s “Year 2000” – for my fellow Acronym Challenged brethren out there) wiping the financial slates clean from microchip memory, only to be thoroughly disappointed when the anticipated crash did not happen, I’ve been praying somebody would steal my identity and the financial baggage that comes with it.

During the waning days leading up to the turn of the century, when I wasn’t thinking about what life must have been like in debtors’ prisons, I channeled all of my remaining energy into Operation Ground Zero – my little pet name for the impending Y2K crash. Often times these thought strands would merge, and I imagined the resurrection of debtors’ prisons in the post-Y2K era.

Come join us on the other side to celebrate T.M. Lindsey’s stolen identity!

Tags: ::CREATIVE WRITING::, ::HUMOR::, debtors prison, identity theft, observational humor, operation ground zero, satire, therapist bob, Y2K