Click to see what the Oval Office might be like if Sarah Palin were President...
UPDATE: This web find is brought to you courtesy of my cradle Catholic work ethic. If not for this mutation of the more-popular Protestant worth ethic, I would never have found the calm resolve to budget yet another two hours of my time transcribing this Sarah Palin spoof.
Let me be more blunt: my first attempt at transcription was irretrievably lost due to a momentary disconnection from the Internet and me, in my glorious carelessness, neglecting to click on the Save Draft button at some earlier point. Let this be proof of the value of a single click.
Please fill in any parts that are labeled as “indeterminate.” Also, please suggest any corrections. If you find anything that I’ve overlooked, please assume that I want to know about it, too.
One, two, three, again… moving from left to right, bottom to top, starting with the globe in the left-hand corner of the screen.
Globe:
- “Kakti-stan.”
- “Irani-stan.”
- “I can see Alaska from here!”
- “Somethin’-stan.”
- “North Korea-stan.”
Poster of Maverick, the movie: “Maverick!”
Door:
- (A life-size stash of pink, white, gray, and black shopping bags)
- (A pyre of books burning to the sound of fire)
- (The surnames, DAMON and FEY are written on the wall and crossed out. The third surname, Couric, is about to be crossed out.)”Darn you, Katie Couric.”
- (What looks like Bambi, its black eyes staring, its kite ears twitching. Click on Bambi and a loud rifle shot reverberates. Bambi is brought to the ground.)
- (White rabbit with its head tilted. Click on the white rabbit and a loud rifle shot reverberates. More taxidermy work.)
- (King Penguin tottering with its tuxedo suit and gold chest fluff. Click on King Penguin and a loud rifle shot reverberates. A point is made. Palin likes to hunt.)
Indeterminate equestrian statue: “Joe The-Little-Man-on-a-Horse.”
Light switch: “Oh, dear!” (Oval Office darkens except for the floor lamp’s black light. On the wall, written in the same morbid form of communication practiced by actor Kevin Spacey’s John Doe in the movie Se7en, I’M SORRY, AMERICA -McCAIN.)
Trash can: (tips over and a SCIENCE magazine almost falls out)
Underneath the sofa bolster: “You can’t hide from me, gotcha media!”
Sofa cushion: “Joe The-Mauve-Sofa.”
Empty diploma frame:
- “No.”
- “Nope.”
- “Learnin’s hard!”
- “Didn’t graduate.”
- “B.S., here I come.”
Indeterminate portrait of distinguished character: “Oh, he looks important.” (Click on portrait and, like Goya’s The Naked Maja, an image underneath is exposed, except this one is not of the maja denuded, but rather actor Tom Cruise’s Maverick in Top Gun. Click on the image and Maverick gives his loyal fans a thumbs up.)
United State of America seal: “I have an eagle mounted on my wall in Alaska, too!”
Hanging lamp: “Joe Light-Bulb.”
Bulletin of Baby Names, Carport, Cashew, Rake, Purple: (Click on bulletin and a dart is thrown by Phil Taylor, who is hiding underneath President Sarah Palin’s chair. He hits the bull.)
Cupboard in desk: (An American Pit Bull with shaved ears drops red lipstick onto the floor. His lips are painted red.)
Model of a suspension bridge: (A tiny blue car speeds off the edge.)
Bouquet of what looks like white roses with a card: “Keep up the outstanding work! From Lauren Michaels.”
Drape canopy: “Joe Curtain.”
Edge of desk: (Twelve tally marks are etched into the wood one at a time followed by WOLF KILLS.)
Any object on top of desk: “Oh, here are the nuclear codes.”
Lofty window: (The panes open. An enraged mob of United States of Americans make their collective rebellion and discontent known to the tune of shouts and object throwing.
Furled United States of America flag: “God bless, America.”
Indeterminate photo potrait of a man in a cowboy hat: “Maverick.”
Indeterminate statue holding the scales of justice in one hand and an unsheathed sword in the other:
- “Roe v. Wade.”
- “Charlie Brown v. Board of Education.”
- “Miranda, Carrie, Charlotte, and Samantha v. Arizona.”
- “Batman v. Joker.”
- “Tyson v. Holyfield.”
- “Smurfs v. Gargamel.”
- “Alien v. Predator.”
President Sarah Palin: (Black suit tears open down the middle only to expose, like actor George Reeves’s Clark Kent/Superman, a white campaign t-shirt with 2012 in alternate red and blue numerals.) “I’m a Maverick.”
Cupboard in desk:
- More pink, white, gray, and black shopping bags.
- (Gagged and tied up police officer) “Palin-ized.”
- (Politics for Dummies) “Oh, just like the movie, National Treasure.”
Middle lofty window: “Where’d Russia go?”
Portrait of NBA player, Dirk Nowitzki: “Now that’s a Maverick.”
Tiny green plastic toy statue of indeterminate object running with arms raised: (Like the tiny blue car, it falls off the edge off the desk.)
Puddle on desk: (Water drips from the ceiling)
Red telephone: (A call sounds. The receiver-and-microphone part shakes in its base. One click later, what very well could be a nuclear bomb detonates, the indeterminate portrait of a distinguished character comes off one of its hooks, and the Oval Office is blotted out.) “Uh-oh.”
Computer screen: Bottom ticker, top ticker
- DEPRESSION (up 212)
- MOOSE (down 3)
- FEAR (up 761)
- PARODY WEBSITE (up 695)
- ECONOMY (down 14)
- WOLVES (down 42)
- PROGRESS (down 31)
- INTOLERANCE (up 235)
- FOXES (down 42)
- ICE CAPS (down 2)
- WARS (up 235)
- JOY (down 34)
- DOW (down 3253)
- NASDAQ (down 207)
- TEEN PREGNANCY (up 4000)
- ENVIRONMENT (down 32)
- EXXON (up 940)
- BEARS (down 7)
- APPROVAL RATING (down 0)
- LITERACY (down 23)
- SUICIDE (up 210)
Unoccupied chair: “Joe The-Chair.”
Pageant sash: (MISS WASALIA/QUEEN PALIN.)
Curtain in right lofty window: (rifle with scope falls to the ground.)
Paper shredder on chair: (Image of Collin Powell is shredded only to reveal Roe v. Wade document, which is also shredded to make way for a Gay Pride rainbow, which has the same fate.)
Right lofty window: “Drill, baby, drill.”
Six-pack of canned refreshments: “Joe Six-Pack”
(With all the curtains up, it’s easier to see the raptor roaming through the enraged mob and seesawing oil fields.)
Meanwhile, President Sarah Palin blinks and smiles, Captain at the helm. I trust you voted.
