Excerpt Taken From GQ :: America’s Douchiest Colleges

herocious

Feel like a puzzle?

Which universities in this country go with the following descriptions:

If you need choices, read the tags.

America’s 25 Douchiest Colleges [click for unabridged source]

#25

HOME OF: THE BLUE-BLAZER DOUCHE

AFFECTATIONS: The side part; the insistence on referring to your school as “the University,” our third president as “Mr. Jefferson,” the quad as “the lawn,” and the Civil War as the “War Between the States.”

OVERHEARD IN THE BLEACHERS: “Well, at least our football players actually go to class and – hey, Dylan, this mint julep is outstanding.”

IN TEN YEARS, WILL BE: A member of an exclusive country club. Maybe a philandering public official. Not unlikely a lobbyist for a tobacco company. Possibly all three.

HONORABLE-MENTION BLUE-BLAZER INSTUTIONS: Duke, William & Mary, Johns Hopkins, Vanderbilt, Sewanee.

#17

HOME OF: THE PUAL WOLFOWITZ DOUCHE

AFFECTATIONS: Horn-rimmed glasses; pipe; well-thumbed copy of The Antitrust Paradox; precocious ideas of mankind as brutish and disgusting

CORE BELIEF: War is good (as long as you don’t have to fight in it).

POSTCOLLEGE CAREER: Talking down to those unlucky enough never to have studied at the feet of Richard Posner; slowly chipping away at the Voting Rights Act.

#15

HOME OF: THE MORAL DOUCHE

FAVORITE PICKUPLINE: “YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT ABOUT THE SEMINARY, BUT THEN I DECIDED IT WASN’T FOR ME. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.”

DOUCHEY ALUMNI: Condoleezza Rice, James Baker, Regis Philbin, Steve Bartman.

PROFILES IN STUDENTIA: Gerry McDougal,* Chicago. “I was looking for a place that would challenge me academically, but I also wanted to feel bad about masturbating. At X, I got both.”

*There is no Gerry McDougal.

::Jacked from the September 2009 issue of GQ, right before I threw it away::

November 18, 2009 4:20 am

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