When my substance  abuse counselor mentioned that recovery begins by surrendering, I was confused.

Surrendering?

What do you mean by surrendering, I asked?

Before my counselor could answer, I leaned forward and, in an aggressive tone, replied, I never surrender. I’m not a coward!

My counselor smiled & went on to explain that in my case, surrendering was actually an act of courage.

To surrender to the disease of addiction means that you have accepted that you cannot use successfully.

It means that you will no longer pick up that first drug with the idea that this time I will use & have a good time, & stop using when I decide to stop.

It means that you are ready to give up trying to do the same thing & expect different results.

He went on to say that in my case, if I surrender I win.

I recall that moment when I finally understood the concept of surrendering and how my ego has made the decision to surrender very difficult.

Just for today, I surrender.

Silverado

Tags: ::ESSAYS ABOUT REAL LIFE::, abuse, alcohol, cigarettes, cocaine, drug addicts, getting clean, hard drugs, heroin, in search of truth, intervention, marijuana, moral justification, recovery, substance abuse

Years ago, when I first hit bottom and ended up in a substance abuse center, I learned that I was allergic to drugs.

I was told I suffered from a disease that had no cure but that it could be arrested and that recovery was possible.

My substance abuse counselor was a recovering addict who had sixteen years clean.

He explained that the very first thing that I needed to do if I wanted lasting recovery was to accept that I could not use drugs successfully.

It has been difficult for me to accept this.

I have always had a reservation.

This reservation has taken me out several times.

Today I’m working on first things first.

Silverado

Tags: ::ESSAYS ABOUT REAL LIFE::, abuse, alcohol, cigarettes, cocaine, drug addicts, getting clean, hard drugs, heroin, in search of truth, intervention, marijuana, moral justification, recovery, substance abuse

After many years dealing with the negative consequences of my disease, I’ve learned not to expect sympathy from so-called normal persons. Those fortunate enough not to be born with this disease who often judge us without recognizing our behavior as a symptom of a disease we did not choose to be born with.

I often ask myself, why me? How much better and how many of my life goals would I have been able to reach if I did not have this disease? How many people in my life would I have not let down?

I pray for those of us who have lost their lives or who are in Jails or Institutions. I pray for those who are about to pick up a drug & don’t know that they will become addicts.

I thank my God for giving me the opportunity to be clean & sober today & for the miracle that recovery brings.  I know I cannot change the past & the devastation and pain that I have caused those closest to me. I pray that someday they will forgive me. I will try to forgive myself. That is a lot harder and it will take time. But today I am committed to my recovery one day at a time, for me.

I once read that addicts are not responsible for their action while in active addiction, but they are responsible for their recovery.

Silverado

Tags: ::ESSAYS ABOUT REAL LIFE::, abuse, alcohol, cigarettes, cocaine, crack, drug addicts, getting clean, hard drugs, heroin, in search of truth, intervention, marijuana, moral justification, recovery, substance abuse

Ever since the first grade I knew that my reading skills were sub par.  I was placed in the remedial reading circle with the nearly illiterate kids.  Even though it was clear that I wasn’t the only one who had trouble reading, I knew that the fast readers, the smart kids, were in the mysterious classroom next door with their big books that had less pictures and fancy words.

To this day, I’m plagued by my sub par reading skills, which I’ve never tried to improve. That explains why when this scene from The Office came on, I didn’t have sufficient time to read what Michael Scott had written:

CRACK
COCAINE
POT
BLOW
ACID
HOOKAH
HEROINE
SPEED

Don’t remember the context of this still, but it cracks me and my heroine up!

Tags: ::HEALTH::, ::HUMOR::, abuse, cocaine, crack, drug addicts, drug lecture, hard drugs, heroin, marijuana, michael scott, slow reader, the office

Disclaimer: Lance Armstrong is awesome.

Sorry for staying on the subject of A&E’s Intervention, but curiosity forces me to return to this show that does more harm than good. I haven’t seen today’s episode; I’m still hung up on the last intervention for Chad.

His full name is Chad Gerlach.  His troubles started at 13, when he got sent to juvenile for felony arson.  Two years later, reintroduced to freedom, Chad’s father, Peter, got him involved in bike racing.

Although hard drugs hadn’t destroyed this teenager’s life yet, he was already an addict. Addiction of his strain is congenital.

Non-addicts can’t imagine what this innate unquenchable predilection is like, but they shouldn’t feel left out or neglected.  Not being able to imagine what it feels like to be an addict marks just one instance when ignorance is a gift.

Be grateful.

Tags: ::SPORTS::, a&e, chad, chad gerlach, cocaine, crack, drug addicts, intervention, intervention show, lance armstrong, rich maile, sacramento, us postal